how could you have been so blind?

blacken_heart @ 2008-01-15T01:10:00

2008-01-15T06:11:50Z

new journal

http://frame-byframe.livejournal.com/

blacken_heart @ 2008-01-12T12:36:00

2008-01-12T17:40:08Z

eej came up from penn. to visit christine and we went out to thai food and it was fun

he's a cool kid :)

we watched weird history channel sex shows about vibrators and disturbing mummy shows

i went out to lunch with jes and it was fun

she told me i had a napolean complex and i believe it

she made me realize that nothings changed here, and it made me even happier things worked out the way they did

franks in california

life is good, a little complicated, but good :)

blacken_heart @ 2008-01-11T13:22:00

2008-01-11T18:32:07Z

it was right out of a movie

"i love you, it's always been you and it's still you, I've never stopped"

we decided to let things be until he is ready to make the changes in his life to allow him to be happy

with or without me

and i will wait for him until it doesn't feel right to wait anymore

am i ready to call him love again?

blacken_heart @ 2008-01-10T00:04:00

2008-01-10T05:08:24Z

and we're right back to where we started

the awkward "oh no this is wrong" tension

i love love love it

i can't call him love again

blacken_heart @ 2008-01-05T22:22:00

2008-01-06T03:35:50Z

i want to jump into your arms and kiss you hard

i want to scream and cry and hit you as hard as i can, to hurt you as much as you hurt me.

i want you to prove to me you need me

you told me you think about me every day

i've tried to replace you but you make me feel giddy and happy and silly and amazing and happy and WHOLE

don't let me go again (if it was me all along..........if not, fuck you again for fucking with me!)

cut the bullshit and give me everything

blacken_heart @ 2008-01-05T12:02:00

2008-01-05T17:04:33Z

you wanted no regrets, and i understand the choice you had to make, but ultimately, you knew what would make you happy and now your kicking yourself and i don't know how to feel.

i want to be strong for you but i need to be strong for myself

new years resolution:

find happiness, fuck everything else.

blacken_heart @ 2008-01-04T22:39:00

2008-01-05T03:41:57Z

i've never loved someone so much, so unconditionally

despite everything.

seeing him was the best/worst thing in the entire world.

he looked so fucking sad

he's still in love with me

can i allow myself that?

he cries, i cry

he looked so beautiful and so ruined

...and dan texted me something dumb.

blacken_heart @ 2008-01-01T16:47:00

2008-01-01T21:51:30Z

488 pictures----
but here are a few from my camera :)

me and chris

bathroom pictures

more more

cara

nikki and cara

chris and nikki

nikki

haha :)

ricky-the nice guy who let me share his bed with him- and me

sam nikki and cara

sam me and cara

ricky and nikki

dish ronny and mike

sam me cara nikki

more to come :)

blacken_heart @ 2008-01-01T14:51:00

2008-01-01T19:55:46Z

amazing amazing amazing

best new years ever :)

blacken_heart @ 2007-12-29T14:37:00

2007-12-29T19:39:04Z

ROAD TRIP WITH SOME SEXY BITCHES

be back the 1st

then off to westchester?

<333333333333333

blacken_heart @ 2007-12-25T23:41:00

2007-12-26T04:53:04Z

tomorrow: lunch w/ christine and grandma :)

thursday: shopping with christine and her friend!

30th-1st: mini road trip to penn. with chris and nikki! SO SO SO excited!!!

5th-6th: maybe going to see vince? hopefully? :)

whenever: going to delaware with my two best friends in the entire worlddddd and i can't waitt!

then the 22nd i go back!

a lot to look forward to :)

blacken_heart @ 2007-12-25T19:55:00

2007-12-26T01:05:34Z

and i don't know if i want to talk to you!

why couldn't you just leave me alone and let me heal?

blacken_heart @ 2007-12-24T20:37:00

2007-12-25T02:19:58Z

i think i like him

but i can't

i'm not supposed to like someone less stable than me but i think i do :(

i think i'm taking a mini road trip up to see him but if i go in with NO expectations, i'll be fine :)

blacken_heart @ 2007-12-21T19:18:00

2007-12-22T00:21:00Z

birthday was cute

christine bought me lunch and ryan bought me dinner :)

anty brought over balloons and it was cute :)

chris and i ended the night drinking classy $5 bottles of wine :)

low key and perfect

OH

and someone decided to speak to me after 2 months, and i don't know how to feel about it.

i'm not going to feel anything and just take it for what it is.

:)

blacken_heart @ 2007-12-20T18:49:00

2007-12-20T23:50:49Z

YOU WOULD!

ahhhhhhhhhhh

my life

blacken_heart @ 2007-12-20T12:10:00

2007-12-20T17:14:19Z

on second thought

i just need to find a normal human being

BUT

at least i realized that before anything serious happened!

OHHHH my life !

but i'm 19 and i am happy :)

blacken_heart @ 2007-12-19T09:36:00

2007-12-19T14:36:54Z

i would start hooking up with someone two days before i leave

way to go jen

i always had terrible timing

blacken_heart @ 2007-12-15T11:02:00

2007-12-15T16:28:05Z

i'm sure you guys will hear all about it.

he apologized for the shit he's pulled, i apologized for the shit i pulled

we promised we'd stop cutting each other down and talking shit, but we'll see if he holds up.

but this is my last journal entry, i think. there are better ways of expressing myself.

i don't need you guys to know what's going on in my life for "laughs". you act like i'm the elitest, but i'm just trying to get by.

whoever hates me, i feel sorry for you that you feel the need to waste your energy on that.

i don't hate anyone and i don't laugh at anyone's expense. i hope you all will learn to be that content.

blacken_heart @ 2007-12-11T13:08:00

2007-12-11T18:12:54Z

when things were simple

:)

blacken_heart @ 2007-12-10T14:35:00

2007-12-10T19:38:31Z

you're a very rude girl

very very disrespectful, i expected better from you, however, considering the past, i'm not very surprised

i'm not confronting you: what goes around comes around

blacken_heart @ 2007-12-09T16:39:00

2007-12-09T21:43:03Z

went to a party with arms, heath and ben and ended up getting pretty fucked up

it was a good drunk though, the kind where you get just fucked up enough to enjoy it without overdoing it

it was a good time, surprisingly

we had fun :)

i thought of you for less than a second and it's quite an improvement :)

blacken_heart @ 2007-12-07T13:36:00

2007-12-07T18:39:04Z

lame

blacken_heart @ 2007-12-05T23:55:00

2007-12-06T05:19:26Z

a little down

i need to get away. Thanksgiving was hard knowing people that i wish didn't exist (harsh--i'm trying to be better & understanding (not hold the grudges i'm so desperately clinging too) , but in order to be better, one needs compassion, and compassion i lack for these people) were all in a 20 mile radius.

I was so scared to walk into the wrong place at the wrong time & break the fragile composure i tried so hard to sustain by running into someone i didn't want to run into. I didn't want to drive for fear of passing one of you on the street and knowing how badly i would have wished one of you would slam into a tree. It scares me how malicious and bitter i can still be, and even though i'm trying & beginning to soften, i still wouldn't mind any of your wheels slipping off the pavement.

Karma's a bitch & if i don't stop it's going to fuck me ten-fold.

Anyway, i need to get away. I was thinking of taking a road trip by myself through D.C., down to North and South Carolina, Georgia, down to Florida and back up again. Realistically, i probably won't but ideally, i'd take off tomorrow. I need to be bigger than i am & i strive to be better than what i came from (shitty friends, shitty relationships, shitty decisions). I want to experience different things & see different people because Long Island has lost all of its appeal.

I have nothing there anymore outside my family and a few close friends. Everyone else is manipulative & selfish and perhaps that's our society as a whole, but i need to find out for myself.

I'll be 19 in 14 days & i feel like i've aged a lifetime since last year. I'm a more resilient, hard & independent person now, but i've lost all sense of trust for anyone & everyone. Only time will tell what works better.

blacken_heart @ 2007-12-02T13:44:00

2007-12-02T18:45:47Z

laying in bed till 7am with these 2 and learning about other people is all i need right now to focus attention off of me :)

chris and ben :)

blacken_heart @ 2007-12-01T11:42:00

2007-12-01T16:48:02Z

if i stop treating every little thing that happens like an "end of the world" crisis, things will get better.

i must improve myself before i can reach out and be with someone else again. i know i'm not ready but i want that closeness and comfort that comes with being near someone. i was never good by myself, and maybe i need to learn to be before i can work on any sort of relationship, regardless if that means a friendship or something more.

i think i've found the right direction, now i just need to stay positive and keep my head above water, because lately, i'm slipping.

my head always hurts :(

but i feel better :)